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Crock on the move
A local
guide was leading a town yuppie through the swamps of Queensland, Australia. "Is
it true that a crock won't attack you at night if you carry a flashlight?"
The guide replied,
"Well, all depends on how fast ye ’d carry the flashlight."
Beastly Convincing
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first
case in South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was
trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four
pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs.
Twice the number there is in the jury box."
Signs Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to
the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you
heathens..."
6. He falls asleep
during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for
Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager
goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal
services will be at the Grand Canyon.
2. You go to his office
for counselling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a
personal problem to me."
1. For the past two
months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
Predictable
While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her
class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look
at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
"I'm looking for a loophole."
- W.C.
Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946
Dream boy
The school of agriculture's
dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you
chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars
in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a
million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No,"
replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
"I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you
join in." - Mick Miller
General Motors versus Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer
industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got
1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning
light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the
key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Waiting for waiter
Max Greenberg was at his favourite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli,
when he called over the waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked
Max.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
Max replied, "Because I was expecting he would be a much
older man by now."
Base
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let
him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get
him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the
staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement
light off and on, and he was here.
One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I
did it several more times.
"I'm on my way," my son called up. "You
didn't have to yell."
Goodbye
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your
appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking
about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Operator!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get
his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to borrow
from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the charge and
says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you,
son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his
father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him
perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. You send him the
money!"
Neighbours
A woman was worried about an elderly
woman who lived in the apartment next door. She hadn’t heard a thing from
her for a few days.
So she tells her son, "I
want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Hyacinth is."
Little minutes later, the boy
returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's a
little annoyed with you," he says.
"Mad at me? What
for?"
"Well," says her
son, "Mrs. Hyacinth told me it's none of your business how old she
is."
Healthy stuff
I recently picked a new
primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he
said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned
about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live
to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I
said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!" "Do
you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No
I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast
cars?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of
those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then why on earth do you want to live to be 80?"
During a recent ecumenical
gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in
the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried,
"Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised
God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice
on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed
the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on
the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists
shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists
proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a
procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists
concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a
chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a
written report.
The secretary grabbed the
fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
A speeding motorist was
caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled
him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"It seems everyone is
out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?" the
frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed sombrely
toward the sky.
"You mean," asked
the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid? Even He is trying
to get me?"
Rattling
A tourist walks into a curio
shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very
lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is
so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one
hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man
twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."
As he walked down the street
carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the
alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was
disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the
herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the
bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were
squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he
ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as
he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after
it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the
curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back
for the story?"
"No," said the man,
"I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"
Shattered dreams
A young man called his mother
and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now
what should he do?
His mother had an idea:
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place
for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great
strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day
after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a
disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come
over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but
she refused to cook..."
Appreciated
A famous author was
autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One
rich looking gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for
signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well. "My wife
likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought I'd give
her these autographed copies for a birthday present." "A surprise,
eh?" hazarded the author. "I'll say," agreed the
customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac."
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to
ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I
make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the
minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great
difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need
$4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand
up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star
Spangled Banner."
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and
it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the
recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come
out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George
because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through
the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each
step, and together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts
out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to
make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror
applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly,
what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe replied,
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a
minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Responses to
questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to
be discovered.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them
know we know they're there.
- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- Water vapours get together in a cloud. When it is big
enough to be called a drop, it does.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look
like umbrellas.
- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is
singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are
orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient
is dead.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social
security agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how
much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired
man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room
and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She
gets $300 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a
note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit
here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a
week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to TALK to
that man!"
"You're talking to him now," said the farmer.
How to please the Queen, while you write:
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking
ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Thanks Pastor Tim: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh